God’s Evil Plan: Strengthened My Faith

It was a beautiful Sunday in July, we had just brought our baby girl home from the hospital. Life was perfect…all my hopes and dreams were complete on that Sunday afternoon. I had my husband, our son, and now our daughter all passed out on the couch enjoying a peaceful summer day. Our first day home as a family of four was short lived.

Up until this day, I was an average Christian who believed in Jesus Christ, I went to church most Sundays and occasionally prayed at night. My husband and I talked about God every now and then. I have never been the girl to put all my eggs into one basket, I always have a back up plan to my back up plan. Up until this day, I was perfectly content with my relationship with God…it wasn’t perfect and it needed work but I wasn’t as far off as some other Christians…or so I thought.

My “perfect” superficial materialistic lifeboat was rocked and completely tipped over that Sunday afternoon. We received a call from the hospital telling us to bring our baby girl into the ER as soon as possible. They did not give us much details just that she needed to get to the hospital quickly. Well being that I was still very hormonal and we had no idea what was going on, to say we panicked is an understatement. The next 48 hours were hell for my husband and I. Our beautiful full of hair little girl, had an infection in her blood…sounds harmless but at the time it was anything but. When we arrived at the hospital they informed us they needed to run several tests on her…tests meaning an IV, X-ray, and spinal tap. Imagine an IV on an adult, now imagine that going into a little 5lb baby girl arm. This beautiful Sunday afternoon had turned into the worst day of my life. I was an emotional wreck, I was uncontrollably crying and honestly did not know where to turn. My husband who has always been my rock and the strong one was now crying and at a loss for words. The instant our little girl was born, her and him had a bond, even to this day she is our little daddy’s girl. Once they admitted her and all the tests were completed we were able to hold her, but the unknown was still lurking. The doctors kept using the word “neonatal sepsis.” Thanks to the 21st century technology both my husband and I instantly googled it…DON’T! The first things you see are the likelihood of death. I asked the doctor if our little girl would make it and all she could say was “hopefully, we need to wait on the test.” My heart sank, my world was falling apart, my perfect family of four was no where to be seen in that hospital room.

As family left and it was just my husband and I left alone with our beautiful but very sick little girl, we sat in silence neither one of us knowing who/what to turn to and then right there in that dark full of fear hospital room it was as if God was right there in the room speaking to us… we prayed…we prayed hard!

I begged God, I repented all of my sins over and over again, that night I put all of my eggs into one basket…God’s basket. I had so many “what ifs” in my head but I would pray the instant I started thinking like that and slowly I was feel at peace again. It was as if God literally washed my soul right then and there in that hospital room. As scared as we were, we both we fully committed to God’s plan…no matter what the outcome was. We knew good or bad it was in His Will and we were to trust him. It is hard to put into words, how we were so at peace but so scared at the same time.

Up until this day, I thought I was a Christian who believed in God but that was a misconception. Believing in God, isn’t about going through the motions and just showing up to church on Sundays. Believing in God, is BELIEVING in God and ALL of his plans…whether they fall in line with yours or not. “But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”-Jeremiah 17:7-8

To this day, any plans I make in life I ask God about. Both my husband and I try very hard to live our lives in His hands. I made several mistakes that horrifying day, I never once until the very end of the day turned to God, that wasn’t my first look, my first look was to check Google. I asked Google for help and guidance before I asked God. It is easy in today’s world to seek answers from our cellphones or computers, but God should always be our first look. “From the ends of the earth I call to you for help, when my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I.” -Psalm 61:2

After several days in the hospital, our baby girl was finally able to come home. We left the hospital once again as a family of four but we weren’t the same family of four as we were a week earlier…we were better, we were God centered. I chose a quote for our little girl’s wall before she was born: “Though she be but little, she is fierce.” -Shakespeare…Our little girl left that hospital at almost 4lbs but she was fierce and to this day she is strongest fiercest most loving girl I know. There is not a doubt in my mind that God knew what he was doing when he made her.

 

 


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